I’m worried about seeing my brother so upset, I don’t know what to say.

I don’t know if I’ll see him cry, but I don’t even remember seeing him really sad ever. He’s ten years older than me and in my eyes he always has everything pulled together. I’ve always thought he might be just holding back all his emotions, but I think I just haven’t been around him when he’s let them out. I feel like he’s never wanted to let me see him upset because I’m his baby sister and he doesn’t want to be sad in front of me, but I don’t want him to feel that way; I want him to feel how he feels no matter what. I can’t wait to see him and hug him, but I even am nervous about going to hug him, do I say something? What if I start to cry? I haven’t seen him in a little bit and so I want to see him in general, I just wish I was seeing him under different circumstances. What if I seem too happy that he’s home because I’ll be happy he is but not happy why he is and I’m just not going to be happy either. None of us are. I might just see him for a night, hopefully he’s staying the night; I may be nervous but I want to see him and I want to hug him and I want to be there for him. The funeral’s in the morning and I’m not even going to be home for it, but I hope he’s going to stay the night and not drive back to Boston right after. Maybe he’ll come with me and my parents later that night when some people are going to Patrick’s house to see his family, not calling hours, but just some friends to be there. I just want to be there for all of them. I’m happy at least that I’m not going to be crying alone anymore. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. 

day 3

So today’s day 3 of Paula’s trip to Spain, so that leaves like 33 days I believe left. Hmph..I hate being apart. we have to do it all too often; but at least this time it’s so that she can have an amazing experience and go to spain like she’s always dreamed of (not that college isn’t an amazing experience, but not like this one). But of course, it’s just my luck that once she gets home I’ll already have started my job at a day camp working from like 8-3 and then she has her summer classes every weeknight not long after so that clearly makes it a little hard to figure out timing to see each other and everything. Obviously there are the weekends, which will be mostly when we hang out I’m sure, but she has to see her family this summer too, they’re really close and I love it and love her family, and weekends usually are a good time to see them. I’m probably going to go over at night after her classes for a couple hours a couple times a week, but it still sucks that we won’t have more time together. We’ll make it work, we always do; and hey, it’s a lot better than not being able to see each other at all. Kind of like now, I can’t see her or talk to her really or at least very limitedly can and so far idk when I’ll be able to. I have heard from her and she sounds so happy and that does make me really truly happy, it makes me smile just thinking about it, but if I’m going to be honest, that happens whenever I think about her in general..hey, what can I say? I can’t help it, I love her more than anything. I really am happy she’s already really enjoying herself, that’s what makes being apart easier, knowing she’s happy where she is (and knowing she’s thinking of me doesn’t hurt either, so I obviously am happy about that). I love that lady with all of my heart, I can’t even explain how she makes me feel. 

sometimes 3000 miles seems extra far..